Anya's Last Words
by rixi
Summary: A diary entry from Anya. Contains spoilers for season four onwards. i forgot to put everything in so, sorry.


Xander sighed as he sifted through his clothes, checking all the pockets for anything that could ruin the wash. His mum had taught him to do when he was 12. He'd left a tissue and a coin in his pockets, which concluded in a broken washing machine. He came across a pair of beige, slightly blood stained pair.  
Xander clenched his jaw as he remembered the fight against The First. Anya had died in that fight. He checked the pockets as he fought a wave of tears; and pulled out a folded piece of paper that was ripped on one side.  
He couldn't help but let the tears fall when he saw the writing.  
  
Have you ever wondered what people mean, when they say that they don't understand? You can ask a very simple question, and then they reply with 'I don't understand' when you know that they do. Of course they understand, they're just stalling. Hoping to put off the inevitable for as long as they can and I hate it when they do that.  
I've seen the way everyone here is with each other. Quiet, it's like they're scared of saying something to offend the other, but then it all just blows up and everyone falls out. It's stupid.  
It was the year of Adam that it first happened. Well, it was the first time *I* saw it happen.  
It was Spike who made it happen, and in way, I know he'll hate this; but if he hadn't of started Chinese-whispers about them, they would have fallen out for good. I keep forgetting to tell Xander this but I know he would just tell me I'm being stupid for giving Spike credit if I do anyway, so I don't think I will: which so isn't like me. I don't understand people who don't say what they think, they'd all know each other better if they did.  
Anyway, there was the big blow out because Buffy wanted to go and fight Adam, Willow thought it was stupid, and I agree with her, and Xander wanted to go with her; which was incredibly stupid. Can you imagine Xander fighting a cyborg? Nah, I didn't think so. Getting back to it, every secret can pouring out; Willow being gay, Xander being insecure and Buffy thinking she had no friends. If they had just voiced their concerns earlier none of this would've happened. But in true Scooby-fashion, everyone made up and beat the bad guy. It didn't really happen with Glory. Except with Buffy and Riley. From what I heard, and most of it was from Spike, was that Riley didn't feel appreciated and went out to get bit. Kinda like what Buffy did with Spike when the nerds were about. All both of them wanted to do, was feel. I can understand that, I can, but why wouldn't they just talk to each other. All Riley had to do was tell Buffy that he didn't feel wanted and they could've worked through it. He'd probably still be here; I liked Riley, so did Xander. Now, the nerd year: the blow out came about much quicker than I would've guessed. Many times, there were a lot of mini blowouts too. The main one was about Buffy. She, well when we brought her back from the dead, she told us she'd been in hell. We had no reason to believe that she was lying to us. So, when Xander summoned a dancing demon; particularly stupid if you ask me, all our secrets came pouring out again. Xander and me admitted all the pet peeves we had about each other, (I do NOT have hairy toes) and that we were worried about getting married. It never happened did it, Xander? Tara found out about Willow doing spells on her, which led to their break up, which I hated so much. And the biggest revelation was that Buffy had been in heaven: HEAVEN - that big bright place where everything is warm and happy. I'm so unbelievable sorry for taking her away from that. Anyway, after that, things were a little strained, and Willow - being as stupid as Xander - decided to do a spell to make her forget; and of course it went wrong. We all lost our memories, and I should tell you, that the things we came up with about ourselves were wrong and bad, but I can't say kissing Giles was as gross as o had thought it would've been. After-all, Giles is a very handsome man. But, when we did get our memories back, the second best relationship in the gang, (Xander's and mine were first) broke up. Willow and Tara were made for each other, and I hate how it turned out. Then, of course, Willow's magic abuse came into light. Which all of us, except Buffy had already noticed. Then me and Xander didn't get married, Willow and Tara got back together about the same time Spike and I had sex, and it came about that Buffy and Spike had been having sex too. Everything went bad after that. Tara died. Urgh! I wanted to exact Willow's vengeance, but she wanted to do it herself; by demonic law I wasn't allowed to interfere, and it killed me. But I knew if Willow kept going she would destroy herself, and even I didn't want that. I was so proud when Xander saved the world and Willow. Especially when I had just told him how useless he was, it made me feel bad but good too. And then there is this year; and what a year it's been. I know I'm not going to survive the battle with the First, I've had too many lucky escapes to survive again. I don't mind though; dying whilst saving the world after being the cause of a millennia of destruction seems like a nice way to go. I suppose some would say it's redemption, but if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that there is no forgiveness for killing and maiming. Anyway, I dunno. There wasn't a lot of blowouts this year, everybody was calmer despite that most thought the world was actually going to end this time. I stood up to Buffy, and she left for a while, but she came back. Faith came back, which I was annoyed with at first but I got over it. I kinda like her; even if she did sleep with Xander. Willow found someone new, which I'm glad about. Kennedy's a nice girl, and she's the exact opposite of Tara, so hopefully Willow won't be reminded too much of Tara when she's with Kennedy. Although I know she won't ever forget her. Andrew is kind of funny. I've been spending a lot of time with him recently, Buffy has even paired us off together when we fight The First. He fancies Xander and Spike, which is weird for me, but it gives us something to talk about. Dawn is all grown up now, though she's still a little girl. I just want to say that I think all of this could have been avoided if they just spoke to each other; and didn't put off the inevitable. Life is easier when you talk to one another.  
  
Anyway, like I said, I know that tomorrow I'm going to die. I just wanted this last entry to document everything about my life with you guys. I love you all. Even Andrew. I'm going to miss you all, and I hope you'll miss me but you'd better get on with your lives. Willow, we didn't get on for a long time but you've become one of my best friends, I hope you can be happy with Kennedy. Buffy, I guess the same goes for you, but you shouldn't be happy with Kennedy, she's Willow. If you can't admit that you're in love with Spike: Angel is always gonna be there. And, I'm willing to let you have Xander now. Dawnie, I love you too, and I'm sorry for blaming you for that spell on Buffy's birthday. I don't know if you know, but Halfrek is dead now. I can already hear you cheering. Spike, Giles, Andrew; you're all great, and congratulation Spike on getting a soul, and thank you for understanding me when I first became a human. Giles, thank you for making me a human and thus meeting Xander. You don't remember doing it, but you did. Thank you so much. Andrew, don't worry, they'll accept you one day. You've proven yourself to them by helping them fight The First.  
  
Finally, Xander. I know we've hit the sack a few times after breaking up, but I never stopped loving you. You are the only man I have ever loved with such intensity. I did love Olaf, but it didn't compare with what I have for you. Like I said to Buffy, you two could be happy together; don't throw that away for me. Oh, and I would really appreciate it if you could go on a crusade and kill all the bunnies in the world. I don't know why they weren't the first evil: vicious little creatures that they are. I wish I could explain to you why I hate them, but I haven't enough time, nor paper to tell you. Just believe me, they're evil.  
  
Anyway guys, I have to go, we're fighting at dawn and it's four in the morning. I'll leave this in Xander's trousers, he only ever looks in the pockets when he goes to wash them. Enjoy life won't you? And remember to talk to each other. I love you all; make me tons of money.  
  
Anya.  
  
He bit his bottom lip until he could taste the blood. A smile tugged at his lips when he read the bunny comment; that was his Anya. He smiled as he tossed the rest of the clothes in without bothering to check the pockets. He took the note to the others, and couldn't help but be happy, when they too cried at Anya's last words. 


End file.
